Editor change

This is Max. With Daddy neglecting his blog, I have decided to temporarily assume duties and present the first realistic account of my life.

7:05 AM: I am woken up with kleig lights being shined in my eyes, having my pants ripped off me, and having daddy slap me in my most private regions with a freezing wet wipe. I spray him in revenge. Once I missed but still hit a wastebasket 5 feet away, which was amazing but still cold comfort.

7:15 AM: I am so hungry. God, let me eat. What are you doing with me? Are you trying to soothe me? Get that &@#$ing pacifier out of my mouth. Hey, Genius! I'm trying to eat my shirt right now! Maybe the polyester has enough calories to let me survive until this joker figures out I need to eat something.

8:20 AM: I fed and I am now satisfied. You may now soothe me.

8:21 AM: The picture says it all. What is Daddy doing?


11:20 AM, 1:40 PM, 3:10 PM: Repeat.

3:15 PM: Mommy and I are having a great time together. I cannot help but wonder what Daddy is writing about me in on the computer.

3:45 PM: With Mommy and Daddy sleeping, I steal some time at the computer, reading Daddy's blog. Besides the embarrassing photos, it is a quagmire of false assumptions and inconsistent verb tenses. I cringe as I imagine him proofreading my school essays.

3:50 PM: What else is on the Internet...what is "binging and purging?" What a great idea! Returning to my crib, I resolve to try it.

4:00 PM. I'm awake. Yes, that means I need entertaining. Are you trying to shush me again? Heh, heh, let me react to your shushing....yeah, that's right, pick me up. No, not the @#$#@ shushing again!!! Let me make myself more loud and clear.......Yes, that's right, you better pick me up. I want to be walked around for the next 90 minutes. I am aware you've shown me the cranberry juice the last 8 times, but I will tolerate you for now.

5:30 PM: I am much happier now. Just a bit of discomfort. A little flexing, a push and....there. I feel warm and moist.

5:31 PM: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

3:40 AM: All is black and silent. I breathe, but I am submerged. I scream in the void but hear no echo. All is black and silent.

3:43 AM: Hey, it's mommy! Glad to see you. Wow, you're picking me up? Cool! Where are we going? Hey, why did you rip my pants off! #@#$ that wet wipe! WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!