Monday, January 26, 2009

The Crying Game

Yes, this is the same baby.

Max has brought new joy to our lives, etc. etc....whatever...actually, really, our desperate goal since Max's birth is really simple: Minimize his crying. There are lots of books saying that sometimes babies need to cry - simply put them in another room and let them work it out. I don't care. I'm worried about myself here. I absolutely can't stand hearing him cry. And I'm not alone. Apparently it's an effective torture technique to play tapes of wailing babies. Not only that, but I'd say 90% of the time, Max will stop crying instantly when we figure out what his problem is. So what can we do?

I'll summarize the techniques we've tried, told in the voice of the nagging overseer giving advice to the stressed-out holder of the baby:

-Have you changed his diaper yet? When? Have you fed him? When? You didn't write it down? How come you don't remember? (Usually followed by mom strangling advice giver.)

-He's working through something - could you just hold him and let him work through it? (Max turns towards holder and almost ruptures eardrum with a scream.)

-I'm pretty sure he just needs to be entertained. Why don't you walk him around and jiggle him? It always works for me. I don't get why you don't just try it.

-Let him cry. Babies need to cry. It is okay. Let him cry. Max needs to cry. (Max currently lets out forlorn sob that simultaneously conveys that he utterly abandoned, is in deep pain, and is wondering why no one loves him anymore.)

-Just do what the Happiest Baby on the Block says. This guy has 20 years of experience. Why don't you just listen to him?

-Just switch his position! He doesn't like what you're doing. Are you hurting him?

-Just do what worked on him yesterday. (Note: This displays what I believe is the ultimate in naivete.)

-I think he needs (editor's note: The Option of Pure Evil, that must not be mentioned by name, is given. Okay, it will be mentioned by name later. )

-Yes, I know we changed his diaper 3 minutes ago - he may have peed again. Why not check his diaper?

-He's too cold. Babies need to be warm. You need to find his hat. His hands are cold.

-Give him tea. No, really. Tea will calm him down. You should give him tea. Tea will calm him down.

-I just held him and he was fine. Just hold him the way I held him. No, it doesn't hurt your back.

-Try a pacifier. (Pacifier is given to Max. Max spits out pacifier and wails even harder.)

-He's too hot. The house is hotter than it was yesterday.

-He's sick! You should call the doctor! We need to get him to the HOSPITAL!!!!!! NOW!!!!!! HE'S GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (Note: This advice, so far, mercifully stops when, for example, Max poops and calms down like a light switch went off.)

Strong opinions, little data. Reminds me of politics. In any case, we've had plenty of opportunities to try all of them (except the tea, actually - tea is very popular in Europe but we're Americans, dammit, and American books say to give only breast milk.) And it's fairly easy to get him to stop crying momentarily - just distract him or move him to a different position. The key is to get him in a long state of calm - in my experience thus far, this only means sleep. Once he's calm, just the slightest misstep will make the difference between his drifting to sleep and his remembering that he's supposed to be wailing his head off.

I'll just talk about a couple methods. First, an impromptu soothing session during a hike, before and after soothing.

The strange posture and shushing comes from following the method of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp. It's highly recommended by people with impressive credentials (scroll down to the reviews). The teacher of our childbirth class played the video for us. Our pediatrition has Dr. Karp's methods summarized on a baby pamphlet. My (Todd) mom and dad saw the video, and dad said he would have gladly paid thousands of dollars for it when he was raising us. The video shows baby after baby stopping their crying as if a light switch went off. And it works, as you can see from above. If Max isn't hungry or poopy (and even if he is) I can use the methods to calm him down and get him to sleep in as few as a couple minutes (much more if he's fussy.)

The method is a 5-step program: Swaddling him up, putting him on his side or stomach,"Shusshing" him (going "Shhhhh!" into his ear loudly), swinging/swaying him, and finally, letting him suck on a binky. The author of the book says the swaddle, the loud white noise, the swinging all imitate the uterus, which will make the baby feel much more at peace and at home.

I'm not sure I buy all of that. First, is the uterus all it's cracked up to be? We all know that babies kick when moms are quiet. While Delia was pregnant, I wondered: Are they just throwing a temper tantrum, but can't be heard because their lungs are filled with fluid? This article says yes. Second, I understand why swaddling imitates the uterus, but the baby positions recommended by the author are very strange. None of them allow for easy eye contact. In fact, sometimes during the swaying, Max will turn to look at me for a bit (an apparently loving gesture), and then start screaming. Louisa, a baby we know in Sacramento, does the same thing. Finally, the uterus is supposed to be 90 dB, which is the sound of a vacuum cleaner. I had Delia shush loudly in my ear recently and there's no way it's 90 dB. It's loud. The book says that baby's ears are clogged and their eardrums haven't developed yet, which means the shushing doesn't have the same effect it would on grownups, but it's still way louder than 90 dB.

I'm starting to wonder if the soothing methods more resemble a police action. The lack of eye contact may just be to avoid confrontation - the same if you're trying to avoid aggressive action from a dog. In any case, Max clearly responds to softer sounds these days so I'm shushing much softer or just singing to him. They both work well.

Next is the jiggle chair - basically a battery-operated massage chair that's easy to bounce up and down. I wish I had one for myself. In fact, the top photo of a happy Max is taken on the jiggle chair.

The jiggle chair, however, is frought with peril. First, the battery can jiggle out or something can go out of alignment, causing the jiggle chair to be too harsh - a big problem if it happens at 2:00 am. The battery and jiggle apparatus is right next to his feet, making him upset if his feet get too close. Finally, Max has adapted to the jiggle chair and has had progressively higher standards on his ability to be soothed.

Luckily, I'm an engineer. The next photos show improvements: First, I added pads to the battery holder (A), which keeps the battery more secure. Second, I placed foam (B) on top of the jiggler to better isolate his feet. Finally, I used masking tape (C) to absorb some of the vibrations in the joints. (C) was a compromise - the vibrations are supposed to travel through the frame - but I felt it was worth it to absorb the harshest jiggles.





The improvements helped, but it's still a battle. Will Max go to sleep? Will he burst into tears? I forgot how this ended.


Max vs. jiggle chair.

Finally, I will discuss The Option of Pure Evil. It is used when we are bereft of any options or hope. When we are old and gray, the Option of Pure Evil is the most likely reason Max will dump us in a 100-square-foot retirement home staffed with angry nursing school dropouts. Pictures of the torture device are shown below.

Instrument used for the Option of Pure Evil, Figure 1. Note mirror on top left, pointing in some useless direction.




Instrument for Option of Pure Evil, Figure 2: Close-up of boppy. Note smiling bunnies and turtles, as well as the brand name: "Tiny Love."

The Option of Pure Evil is tummy time. Max is on his back constantly (because of fear of SIDS), so he never gets the opportunity to push himself off the ground. Tummy time is therefore recommended by basically everyone who knows about it. Max's chest is put on the boppy, which makes it easier to lift his head up, and even look at himself in the mirror! Isn't that precious.

Taking a neck-jarring U-turn back to reality, Max can handle perhaps 10 seconds on the boppy before going insane. I can hear through the DSL line, "Why don't you put him on the boppy when he's in a good mood?" Good point - that buys us about 2 more seconds. Then we have to spend the next half hour calming Max down.

None of us could handle tummy time, even though we're supposed to do it. However, one day, around 8pm, as usual, Max was crying his head off, pushing and kicking despite all our best efforts. So I wondered: Does he need to release some energy? Maybe we can make the whole process go faster. I put him on the boppy and let him flail around until someone in the room yelled at me to rescue our poor whimpering baby from the torture device. After the 5-minute episode, I felt like a reptile, but Max was quiet - he ate well, went to bed quickly and slept well through the night! No 3:00 am hour-long wailing session. Lest this point is missed - 5 minutes. That's how long it took for Max to work through his crying.
Max on boppy. Screeching not included in photo.

I'm ashamed to say I've used this method for the past few nights. It's worked, but, in the tradition of everything else we've tried, Max has adapted. Now he'll cry far more efficiently on the boppy, lying down without expending the effort to raise his head. This gives him the needed energy for his 12:00 am cry. Also, somehow this became my responsibility. As in, "Todd, I think he needs tummy time." Like I want to be the main subject in Max's tell-all biography.

Speaking of which, he's screaming now. I'll have to go and give Delia some advice.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

The rematch

When last we met, Max met a serious opponent in Louisa. Her vital stats are: 17 pounds, very alert, very strong. She has a very sweet and playful smile, obviously meant to lure opponents into dropping their guard. Record against Max: 1-0.

However, much has happened since the last encounter. Max has been in training. Here he is getting ready for a strenuous run:
Here he is on the speed bag:




Rest is, of course, a vital part of any training routine.

Unfortunately, in any grueling training, it can become tempting to slack off. Maybe that's why we caught Max in a moment of weakness:


And, finally, an important but underappreciated part is intimidation. Here is Max, almost filling out a Harly Davidson hat.

So now we move to the rematch: Max vs. Louisa, part II. Notice the grim determination on Louisa. Max is mugging for a girl out of the picture.

And the main event (pay-per-view not required!)










So who was the winner? Umm...say, who had Louisa pose with her foot next to Max, anyway? I can't believe someone is condoning baby fighting. Did I mention Max doesn't know how to move his arms around yet?

In any case, Max must have taken the encounter as an educational lesson. He cried hysterically after we got home and ate about every hour for the next two days. However, I've never seen Max so alert as when he was with Louisa. Walter thinks it's because our house is a prison of beige and it's the first time Max has seen a color before. Still, the last couple days he's acted like he's had about 15 expresso shots.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Help!


Parenting a child can be a difficult, trying experience. Meals must be prepared, the house must be cleaned, errands need to be run, and all must be done while constantly attending to the baby. It is demanding work on a new mother and father.

At least that's what I'm guessing. I wouldn't know. Our lives have been made almost unfairly easier by a constant supply of wonderful volunteer help since Max was born. Max has successfully tired out legions of volunteers, but we've still managed to recruit new ones.

Each has brought different strengths. Delia's parents provided old-school Romanian food and an endless supply of attention for Max. Delia's dad, Nelu, provided plenty of food and supplies so Grandma could concentrate on loving Max.
This photo shows Agi successfully getting Max sleepy after a bath.
After Nelu and Agi, Delia's aunt Allison came for a week. Besides giving Max lots of affection, cooking really good fusion-style food, and leading Delia through Pilates exercises, she helped Delia create an organizational system that finally allowed us to see the floor of our living room. Here she's getting Max down our steps for a walk.

Here, Allison has Max in a classic "Happiest Baby on the Block" pose. Allison took to the video immmediately and showed us how to use it more effectively - complete with better swaddles.

Then, last but certainly not least, my parents helped take care of Max, and gave us some perspective - for example, they let us know we actually could leave Max alone for a while without killing him. Mom did lots of back exercises so she was able to do this:And Dad, I noticed, was the best at bringing out Max's new gift - the ability to smile.

Again, thanks!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Photo filler

I (Todd) returned to work on Monday, at least in body. However, despite time constraints, nothing in this blog will be compromised except output and quality. Also, thanks to my new followers. I'm not sure what it means because I'm still getting used to blogging on this Inter-net thing, but I'll find out someday.

To answer, "How are we doing?" Actually, reasonably well, thanks to a couple things. First, we've had lots of wonderful help. Second, "The Happiest Baby on the Block", a book and video on how to soothe crying babies, is an absolute godsend - the biggest obstacle is when we decide we're too smart for the video and try out our own theories instead. Finally, we know we have options which are recently available, such as outsourcing child care. (You should click on this link.)

Also, here's some e-mail I've been getting - I removed the author's name to preserve some sort of integrity I've read about somewhere. Or was it confidentiality? Whatever, I woke up too early.

"Whenever I need a cheering up, I read it and think how happy I am that my kids are grown!"

"whatever angst little Max is displaying, he will get over it by the time he reaches 25 or 26. Trust me. "

"You don't have to worry about being witty. You could just give some photographs."

OK, I get it. Here they are:

1) Libuser trip:

We met my cousin and his family, the Libusers, in Auburn - just down the hill from Grass Valley. Here are they with an increasingly imperious Max.



Max on his first hike: I'd think he'd be getting sick of his walks around the house, stopping as always at the scenic overlook of the cranberry juice. But when he goes outside, he passes out, only to wake up when we get home.


Max's first bath:

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Editor change


This is Max. With Daddy neglecting his blog, I have decided to temporarily assume duties and present the first realistic account of my life.

7:05 AM: I am woken up with kleig lights being shined in my eyes, having my pants ripped off me, and having daddy slap me in my most private regions with a freezing wet wipe. I spray him in revenge. Once I missed but still hit a wastebasket 5 feet away, which was amazing but still cold comfort.

7:15 AM: I am so hungry. God, let me eat. What are you doing with me? Are you trying to soothe me? Get that &@#$ing pacifier out of my mouth. Hey, Genius! I'm trying to eat my shirt right now! Maybe the polyester has enough calories to let me survive until this joker figures out I need to eat something.

8:20 AM: I fed and I am now satisfied. You may now soothe me.

8:21 AM: The picture says it all. What is Daddy doing?


11:20 AM, 1:40 PM, 3:10 PM: Repeat.

3:15 PM: Mommy and I are having a great time together. I cannot help but wonder what Daddy is writing about me in on the computer.

3:45 PM: With Mommy and Daddy sleeping, I steal some time at the computer, reading Daddy's blog. Besides the embarrassing photos, it is a quagmire of false assumptions and inconsistent verb tenses. I cringe as I imagine him proofreading my school essays.

3:50 PM: What else is on the Internet...what is "binging and purging?" What a great idea! Returning to my crib, I resolve to try it.

4:00 PM. I'm awake. Yes, that means I need entertaining. Are you trying to shush me again? Heh, heh, let me react to your shushing....yeah, that's right, pick me up. No, not the @#$#@ shushing again!!! Let me make myself more loud and clear.......Yes, that's right, you better pick me up. I want to be walked around for the next 90 minutes. I am aware you've shown me the cranberry juice the last 8 times, but I will tolerate you for now.

5:30 PM: I am much happier now. Just a bit of discomfort. A little flexing, a push and....there. I feel warm and moist.

5:31 PM: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

3:40 AM: All is black and silent. I breathe, but I am submerged. I scream in the void but hear no echo. All is black and silent.

3:43 AM: Hey, it's mommy! Glad to see you. Wow, you're picking me up? Cool! Where are we going? Hey, why did you rip my pants off! #@#$ that wet wipe! WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The awakening

Max (left) and The Godfather (right).

Oh, c*#p. Now what do we do?

It seemed like only yesterday when Max would be happy if we only changed his diaper and fed him. (In fact, it was three days ago). Unmistakably, however, Max is increasingly alert and requires much more attention.

Alert Max (left) with shocked father (right).

I'd try to find a better photo of myself, but I've pretty much given up. Pictures of me in a couple weeks will show about 4,200 wrinkles and piles of gray hair falling on my shoulder.

In a seemingly unrelated story, Walter and Kace came to visit us with their 4-month-old, Louisa, and were treated to excellent Romanian food from Delia's mom and dad - schnitzel, salad with dill, and chicken-dumpling soup.


Max is innocently sleeping with Kace in this photo. Note the ease in which she holds him. Max is light as a feather to Kace, because she is used to Louisa. Louisa, besides being 4 months older than Max, is also in the 99th percentile in both height and weight. She now weighs twice as much as Max and is extremely strong and alert. Soon, Max will meet her.

Rest up, Max. Rest up. For you know not what you will soon face.
BWAAAH HAAAH HAAAH HAAAH HAAAH!!!!!!!


To be continued.......